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Saturday, July 26th, 2008
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4:08 am - Shyness
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it is presently ten past four in the morning and I have just returned from a rather queer venue possessed of a license to sell alcoholic beverages into the small hours. Overall I had a good night. There were a multitude of people I knew out, well... there were people out that I knew, some of whom I even liked. The music, aside from the Christmas tracks was bare able, don't ask. And generally it was, as I said, fairly pleasant. However. It forced to my attention a problem of mine I have not dealt with much lately. As a result I recount the incident here so that you may assist me in my analysis. I'm on the dance floor, the big flashing one of powerhouse, and I'm stood next to the... well okay, maybe the third ish most attractive guy in there. The important thing to note here is that I find this boy passable, and would not have been averse to going home with him. However, after watching him for some time, and then dancing beside him for the period of ... at least three tracks I am unable to say to him so much as hi. Just hi, never mind the my name is Chris, or would you like to dance or can I buy you a drink. Inevitably he leaves. And this causes me no end of frustration. Not because that boy was just that gorgeous that I am left heartbroken, but because I just can't approach guys I like and posses zero self confidence. I'm not sure what I hope this note will achieve but think it's better I record it and be able to think back on it than ignore it and continue likewise. If you have anything to say on the matter please do. Goodnight.
current mood:  annoyed
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(2 shards or shatter the mirror)
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| Thursday, June 19th, 2008
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6:19 pm - Sweet Dreams
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I had a dream last night and wanted to share it. So here it is. First off apologies for any of it being confusing and disjointed, as well as it being a dream it is now mostly forgotten ans dreams quickly are when you wake up, so please bare with me and I'll do my best.
The earlier part of this dream, which I at least believe there was, involved some campaign against a tyrant usurper in the style of Hamlets uncle. The campaign was successful and upon our victory a small toast was proposed. Following which a split in our forces was proposed to complete the rounding up of the enemy forces. Now my morphean comrades, of whom I am afraid I can now name none, left on a likewise now forgotten quest leaving myself, Mr Walton, Mr Woodward and Mr Broughton. Our comrades having left, and time as I was aware of it being an increasingly precious commodity we of course decided that it was most vital to continue celebrating and have several more rounds of toasts.
This delay left us of course in some significant rush so we took Simon's Land Rover which was driven at some speeds through heavily forested terrain. I believe the journey included several flips and was finally terminated when we were driven by Mr Walton into a lake of some kind. While the Land Rover unfortunately was unable to accompany us we were able to escape unharmed from the lake, though slightly moister and suffering complaint from Mr Broughton about the imagined cleanliness of the water we now walked out of.
The next phase of our quest took us up some less forested and much rockier hills and eventually up a path where we encountered a man with a pig. We insisted to Darren that he approach the man and tell him 'the truth, the one that we practised earlier'. Unfortunately I can no longer remember this rehearsed truth and wish I had written this earlier in the day because I am convinced I was aware of it this morning. However this prompted both man and pig to follow us on our quest and lead us up a new path to the castle. We soon found the main gates thronged with revellers from some party and as we entered I woke up.
And that was my dream. Trippy huh? Damn fun though. Had a vaguely 'Last of the Summer Wine' quality to it's humour I think.
current mood:  amused
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(shatter the mirror)
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| Thursday, June 5th, 2008
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7:15 pm - The walled city of hell
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Yes that's right, for all you students of Dante's abyssal geography that is Dis. This is just going to be a short note but I got the results and feedback on my dissertation back this week. Unconfirmed until external supervision but I have them nonetheless. I got 7o, and was so happy that I had to record it. A seventy means a first, or for my American readers... no idea, but I think it equates to about an A or A -. Wrote the damn thing in like three days too. Not including research. But it should mean that my overall grade is still on track for a 2:1. That is hopefully if I didn't fail too badly on any of my exams and nothing else goes wrong etc. But it means that there's still hope. And that makes me happy. God bless readers.
current mood: hopeful
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(shatter the mirror)
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| Saturday, May 31st, 2008
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6:00 pm - Did you Survive?
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So I finished. On Thursday I had my last exam. It was on Shakespeare's history plays, I did Coriolanus and Titus Andronicus in terms of honour and heroism and did Richard II and Julius Caesar in terms of ambition. It was a mess frankly. I hate exams so much, you know I got half way through and then realised all I could actually remember about Julius Caesar was that he died. And that happens in the first act! Well close enough anyway. I'm really hoping my dissertation picks me up a good few marks, I think other than the creative writing stuff I did last year I've never actually been happier with any academic writing I've ever done. I mean it's far from perfect and if I hadn't left it to the last minute it could have been a lot better but I really thinks it's good and with a bit of luck it could really swing my grades.
Did the Final Fling yesterday. That's the students union end of term party for all you who don't know. Previously and properly called Survival because no one ever manages to survive all 18 hours. Was good, though not nearly as good as it should have been. Which is a shame, cause next year the union isn't going to be able to recover on that. Survival got where it was because it kept getting better, everyone always had amazing memories of it. And next year, there wont be enough people with really amazing memories of it. To get everyone in they'll have to drop ticket prices, and that means they wont be able to do as much as they did this year, which if they had the numbers would have made it incredible. I mean, jacuzzi, free candy floss, sand box, bouncy castle, barbecue, silent disco. Biggest let down I have to say was the acts. I mean that guy from 5 and Chiko?! The fuck? Hell no, I was not impressed. I did still have a really good time though. Now I just got to get ready for Durham's Q-Ball and the English Ball. Looking forward to Q-Ball, assuming I manage to find a way home. Have some trepidations about the English Ball. I'll try to stay open minded, really I will, but lets see eh?
So next I just have to try and figure my life out. Really not had one lately, too wrapped up in uni. And now everything is going to change, completely. I'll have to find work, and re-evaluate my life, figure everything out again. Then start planning out my life. I need to figure out the next step and it could be a really big one. Hopefully my new life might involve boys. There hasn't really been too many of them in life this year. I'm not even really complaining about that I just think it would be nice if there was someone in my life. Or at least have a few good dates. I'd like to think that this is the chance for a new start in things. Not that I haven't had those chances before and I've yet to do anything about it but... lets see eh?
Okay, this isn't everything I wanted to say but if I go on for much more it'll get boring and pointless. Maybe I'll make some more posts and cover some specifics in there. Thank you for reading children. God bless.
current mood:  contemplative
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(shatter the mirror)
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| Monday, April 14th, 2008
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10:31 pm - Queen Rania Rocks!
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| Wednesday, April 9th, 2008
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3:06 pm - Writers Block
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My head hurts. That's slightly wrong, that makes it sounds like a headache. My mind hurts, like my thoughts are square pegs and my head is a round hole. No comments about round holes thank you. I just can't seem to keep focused enough to get this essay out. I think it's cause there's no fear... which is a terrible way to have to work. I think tomorrow I'll have to hunt down a lecturer one way or another and see where I am and what I can do with it. Yes, yes, I know, but this isn't technically procrastination, I'm hoping if I just write something I can get into the swing of it and will be able to write my essay, which I can't at the moment. My life right now? Mess. I must find a better system!
current mood: frustrated
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(shatter the mirror)
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| Thursday, February 21st, 2008
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2:25 am - Building that city of sodomites
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I'm sort of wondering where I am in life right now. Well, I got the results from last semester back and they should put me on track for a 2:1. Assuming that all goes well with this semester and my dis, which at this point I severely doubt it will. But let's get to all that later. RAG is next week, and elections are swiftly approaching, and I no longer run my beloved LGBT. I'm way behind at this point on my dis and my two looming essays are at that point where they seem huge and unthinkable.
There's more but I think I'll come back to. It all just seems so huge though and I don't feel like myself. Maybe it is just because I'm torn between all of the above, in so many directions that I'm just stretched thin, like a sheet of playdough or...
"Like string am I. Anchored between points. In the wind my whole world shall shake. My whole world but at the points that anchor me. The string is not taught. Nor is it strong. A weight would quell the shakes. In the middle, to pull it taught. The right weight. Too light and still my world will shake. Too heavy and my world will snap. Then again maybe it would be wiser to shorten the string, or move an anchor untill it pulled tight."
Wrote that ages ago but maybe it's still relevant. Anyone heard that David Jordan song? Love that track, drums and good lyrics, that's where it's at. So maybe I got too much going on. Now I said I'd do as much of RAG as I could find time for. That means if I get enough work done then I'll give up an hour or two a day to go collecting. So that I think sounds reasonable yeah? But next... I've got those doubts about running a campain. I just don't know if I'll be able to find the time or energy to do it properly. And if I don't do it properly then... Maybe it would be better off not doing it at all. I just don't have any focus... No great drive. Reason I'm behind on my dis.
Part of me wonders if the best thign for me to do is just bite the bullet and lock myself away till I get all the work done. It's usually what I do just before essays are handed in but... this shit is important. I will of course be doing some Wiggling, if only because I'm getting very bored of Powerhouse. Though obviously I'll need to visit occasionally...
Hah! I can't even think about doing it properly! No focus, no energy. Spend too much time day dreaming. Forget how to really live.
Been wondering about boys a lot lately. Its hard cause when I'm not with anyone... well I don't really mind it. I was a loner for so long I really don't mind it, can be quite happy with myself. It's just that suddenly there are those moments when you realise your by yourself and wonder if perhaps things mihgt not be better if someone else was there. Maybe that's another bullet? Just ask someone and go on a date? It's been a while now... But then, been even longer since I was really excited about one. Maybe I got a bit too good at appearing calm, collected and disinterested in everything.
Bite the bullets? Get on with some shit? Forget about the election? Apply for the damned MA's? Oh people... all the the things I wish I was and could be. All the things I think when your not looking...
current mood:  drained
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(1 shard or shatter the mirror)
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| Monday, December 3rd, 2007
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1:03 pm - Free-Speech & St. George of Student Welfare
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Well it’s been bugging me so I’m going to attempt to express it. Union Council and the No Platform debate! The whole thing actually left me angry, shaking with such at some points. Let’s start at the top; the fact that the vote went to a show of hands! There is no morally justifiable reason that a vote on such a contentious issue should have gone to a show of hands! The self-righteous socialist who spoke on behalf of a show of hands was not even a voting student. All well and good for her to say that people should be proud to share their views when she doesn't have to! Pride is something one wears on ones own, if people want to tell the world how they vote then by all means do so, and let’s face it many have. However my opinion is my own and if I choose not to share it with the world that is my business. The idea that general elections voting be made anything other than secret would be laughable and frankly so is this! And yes I do realise I’m using a lot of exclamations! The ballot should have been secret; given the overwhelming rhetoric of student protection and safety from the ‘yes’ camp it should have been secret on that basis alone, never mind the moral difficulty of bullying students into voting. Did anyone else notice that more hands went up for ‘yes’ after the crowd cheered? Didn’t Sarah say that people will follow the majority? The girl sat next to me actually changed her vote to ‘abstain’ after the secret ballot lost, and I for one would be curious to see just how much closer a fair and democratic vote would have been.
Bullying people into voting! Yes I said it! Twice now! All week every one I ran into was more than quite insistent I attend the debate. Well by all means, I happen to believe that attending is important, if only for the sake of listening to the debate and knowing that it’s happening. That’s why I’m there every month! What annoys me however is the assumption made by everyone who spoke to me as to how I would vote! No one asked what I thought, no one bothered to wonder that I might not share their more than enthusiastic opinion on the matter. People talked, incessantly and in circles, about freedom from intimidation and fear! That people shouldn’t feel scarred or pressured into compromising their views! And yes I felt intimidated in that room, but not by the creepy gentleman with greasy hair and a bad suit! I have never been intimidated by anyone in a bad suit! I felt intimidated by every self-appointed Paladin of Yes cheering at their triumph over the one thing I’ve ever really believed in!
Yeah, I believe in free-speech! No, not more than the right to exist, but I believe in it! By your merciless God I believe in it! And you cheer at its defeat, citing student safety and welfare as it’s just conquerors. But what do we really think this motion will accomplish? We have not stopped the BNP from campaigning any where else in the city; Martin told us that the motion didn’t do that. It doesn’t even cover the university because as he said the union is an autonomous body. Nor does it prevent his fine creepy self from entering the building; again, Martin told us that. What was the example Lisa gave? Of being sat in Bar One and approached by four men? How will this motion stop that? And from the delightfully pleasant picture you’ve all painted of the BNP are we really to expect that they wouldn’t or wont try anything as underhanded as all that?
Did anyone even notice that no one, not one single person other than whuts’is name got up to stand without saying how much they disliked the BNP? Do we really think that if Northumbria is such a potential hotbed of BNP action the meeting would have been quite that peaceful? Maybe I’m wrong on that one but if it’s that bad I for one would have expected at least two of the bastards!
Union council on Thursday was a farce! It was undemocratic, immoral and a streak of self-righteous excrement across the walls of the union! Most of all though I’m annoyed at myself! I’m annoyed that I let myself be bullied into silence by you all until now and didn’t express at least 60 seconds worth of stuttering in favour of my dragon you’ve all come to slay!
"You say that my way of thinking cannot be tolerated? What of it? The man who alters his way of thinking to suit others is a fool. My way of thinking is the result of my reflections. It is part of my inner being, the way I am made. I do not contradict them, and would not even if I wished to. For my system, which you disapprove of is also my greatest comfort in life, the source of all my happiness; it means more to me than my life itself." Marquis de’Sade.
current mood:  angry
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(1 shard or shatter the mirror)
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| Saturday, November 10th, 2007
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3:37 pm - an unexpected comment
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Is like the vast and unrelenting night and the shadow of perfume hung quietly on the breeze. I’m really at a it of a loss with myself. I feel I’ve come to an end, within a dark forest as it were, for the straightforward pathway has been lost. I’m expending too much energy, pouring too much out in all directions but producing no effect, as like a great
hurricane that fails to lift a single leaf. Or the wolf at the cottage of stone and mortar.
Well gentlemen let’s take this one piece at a time. I believe we shall begin, as we always should, from the heart, with matters d’amour. I feel I should attempt to explain here how I feel about these things. I feel that one is in the best position when one does not have to rely on another person. Self sufficiency is a worth goal, one we should all aspire to. Saying this I feel regretfully the case that I am not presently, nor do I recall being so since my life was introduced to the alternative, in a state of mind which I could describe as content within myself and with being single. Hardly a model of self-sufficiency. Now it is not that I feel I need these people for any particular purpose, to support me in any endeavors, I am at least capable of doing these things on my own.
I do however feel the need to be reassured that they are there. Rather like a self noted tendency of my hunting habits. Often I have little or no interest in taking the boy home, or for that matter letting him so much as touch me. It is still satisfying to know that I could. Any of us familiar with any good hunt will know that from the moment they smile they are, frankly, yours. Barring of course the unpredictable, but these are not to be taken as a failure of your doing and so not pertinent.
Frankly at this point I’m not certain what all that was meant to achieve but it’s there now. Hopefully it helps explain why I’m annoyed to be single, my unwillingness to settle into being so, and my frustration that I can’t just be happy by myself. Which means that, funnily enough, I am not happy that I’m single and that I feel lonely. And for fucks sake as I write that that bloody song comes into my head.
It’s hard to put any more into words. As I said, expending lots of energy but getting little result. I suppose this is, to be honest, a reiteration of persistent problems. Thing’s that bother me again and again and I have yet to be able to fix. On that note I believe I shall leave this one. Perhaps to continue later.
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(1 shard or shatter the mirror)
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| Monday, May 28th, 2007
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12:44 pm - Sublime cetology, post modern identity construction and lots of alcohol
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So that's it. I'm done for the year. Finished with Moby Dick and The Golden Notebook and discourses of modernity. Became very stressed out the last few weeksm, I'm still winding down from it. The large quantities of alcohol I consumed on Friday night may have helped. I'm not sure how much to say t be honest. Maybe I'll try this again when I decide for myself where I'm at with everything. Hmm... Be good.
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(shatter the mirror)
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| Sunday, April 15th, 2007
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9:57 am - Stalking the albino leviathan and his representativeness of the sublime
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I had just typed out most of an entry of significant bulk, somehow pressed the wrong button and all gone. So now I will attempt to rewrite it all while remaining as calm and collected as ever.
I was trying to run you up an account of where I am right now. Well physically, at this moment I’m sitting at the front desk of my hotel. Somewhat tired a little dehydrated, but it’s been a long morning, beginning at six and I didn’t sleep much last. Should drink some more water really; I will shortly. This after should be going to dads for a few hours. Though given how nice a day it is would have been nice to sit down in the Dene and read a while. Or at least try.
The subject line is reference to Moby Dick. Supposedly the great American Epic. I’ve spent most of this Easter ‘holiday’ reading, or at least trying to read said text. No, that’s the wrong word; Tome. Yes, voluminous tome. Twenty pages about the colour white, twenty frelling pages. How much can you actually say about a colour? Gave me a headache. Just finished three whole chapters about pictures of whales! Why? How is it possibly relevant? You know I actually think it’s quite well written, it has good rhythm. But I need to finish it in time to then do the background reading for and then write an essay due for the 8th. Then write up four seminar logs for sociology, with relevant reading, and around twenty pages of prose for creative writing, both due for that same date. Then I need to read at least one more tome for literature and prepare for my two exams.
Understandably my state is somewhat frayed of late. Understandably I will not be devoting any time to my beloved LGBT beyond a consultative capacity. Hopefully that’s the position I should take next year, just as long as I can get the society organised over summer for the year then should be much more organised next year. Now where have I heard that one before?
How do you people do it? How do you motivate yourself to get out of bed in the morning, go to the library and then actually do work; months before anything is due? I mean there are things that I want in life but I just have no energy in me to go out and get them. And no focus once I’ve started.
Like my election campaign, for those who didn’t know, I ran in student elections for Chair of Societies but when it came to it I just didn’t have the energy to campaign. I had a hundred other things to do at the time but none of them really got done anyway. No matter, the position went to the lovely Ms Wynd. That’s Wynd like a clock and not like Zephyrus. And I shall return to the LGBT, organised or not we’re stuck with each other for another year.
So things aren’t all bad, looking forward to big plans for the group. Personal life isn’t particularly poor either. Broke up with someone I’d been seeing on and off for a while now this week but I think I have good, positive reason for’t. Might be getting a car for next year too; no one to move in with next year so I’m moving back home. Not entirely sure if it’s all plus or all bad that one, think it’s a fair blend really. Kinda wish I’d had the chance for a better experience on the flat mate front all in all but it could have been much worse. I suppose a more dramatic experience wouldn’t have necessarily been a negative though. Hmm, I think I’ll call this a plus and cite home cooking, and easy laundry as evidence.
Some things to get off my chest; just to let you all know where I am right now. Think it helps; not sure how much but it can’t hurt can it? Be well.
current mood: frustrated
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(2 shards or shatter the mirror)
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| Thursday, February 8th, 2007
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2:45 pm - Nation states
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| Wednesday, January 31st, 2007
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9:26 pm - party
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ok people I'm telling you all about my party. My Big Fat Gay Masquerade. Thursday the 15th of February, from eight till midnight. It's in Stage2 of Northumbria student union with £3 tickets or £5 for two if you bring a date. There'll be indie music, charity slave auction, table magic, and masks. Golden rule, no one gets in withotu a mask and formal wear is highly encouraged. But not strictly compulsory. Come on, it'll be grea! Please?
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(2 shards or shatter the mirror)
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| Saturday, December 30th, 2006
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10:48 pm - Community
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| Tuesday, December 19th, 2006
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3:40 am - Guilt
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You know I think I suffer from irrational and unreasonable personal feelings of remorse. Every now and again, not constantly I'll grant, I'm overcome with the desperate urge to apologize to everyone I've ever met for everything I've ever done. This can not be healthy! Especially as I do not believe in apologies. I think they're a rather silly thing to be honest. If you apologize it sort of invalidates the act. So you then have to wonder what you did it for. I'm not making much sense. Erm... Never mind, it's one of those things that makes sense to me and to anyone to happens to understand me absolutely and perfectly and knows me so well they can hear me think. Sex should not be a trivial thing, I resent myself for making it so. Maybe I owe myself an apology; in light of the previous discussion perhaps I can do something better. We'll see. Do you believe in love? Love is interesting isn't it? What if you don't meet someone your right for, never fall in love... None of this oh you'll find someone [insert expletive] because you don't know that. I'll accept that 21 is too young to worry about that but it's not all that young and I worry regardless. I am as my year five teacher told my grandmother a worry merchant. If only someone could tell me where I could find Mr Right. I mean how am I expected to find someone? Ow.
current mood:  melancholy
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(2 shards or shatter the mirror)
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| Thursday, December 14th, 2006
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12:30 am - Sex
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Does anyone else really hate sex? I mean do you not think it just gets in the way of so much? Between worrying about performance, from you and them, and poor performance, from you or them, worrying about STIs and god knows what else. With pain and emotions and protection and wanting it, needing it. Wanting to not want or need it. The emotional baggage, and don't say there isn't any because if you don't have any emotional baggage with sex at all I don't really want to know you or just wont believe you. Like lying in bed with a guy and just wanting to hold him all night... and he thinks you want something else. And because your body has those biological responses that you aren't really in control of then off you go and have at it. Perceptions, the things that sex makes you think about people, and about you, if you have it or not. Too much, not enough, not ever. How can that possibly be anyones business who and how you have sex? And why in gods good name should I care about how much sex I get and who it's with and how it's done?! But are you seriously telling me you don't? I am not sex mad! Yes I happen to enjoy sex, that's the whole damn point, yes I like to make the most of it when I do, and god dammit maybe I even go so far as to think and even talk about the infernal subject but this is how I'm wired. Sex is something that is pervasive in my life and I can't get away from it. No matter how hard I wish I could. How to feel loved without making it. You know the most amazing night of my life... it wasn't sex, we both just lay there, it was clearly in the air, and frankly in my hand, but I was just happy to be there. It was nice. I wish it was easier to just feel close to someone, to be there with them. Without having to worry or even think about all the gross, disgusting, complicated, irritating, frustrating, messy, condemned, over rationalized, over debated, over discussed physical crap that our body puts us through. I mean frankly between the aesthetics and the smells and the sweat and texture, the infections, the fungus, the bacteria, juices, fluids and whatever else that goes into sex does it not just make you want to vomit a little bit?
current mood: lonely
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(3 shards or shatter the mirror)
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| Thursday, December 7th, 2006
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12:21 am - Updating
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My boss tried to fire me without telling me. Now if nothing else it strikes me as a little rude, don't you think? I ask her, I ask, "could I just do late Sunday shifts from now?" this being easier and more convenient for me in general. "Yes" she says, no problem in more or or less as many words. Come in and told I'm not meant to be in that Sunday, or the next. So week later come by to see if I'm in the next, told no you've been taken off the rota because they didn't need someone on late Sundays... fine, why the frell didn't you tell me?! So I'm back on the rota, having provided a more flexible schedule, for some reason, and so my employment continues.
Signed up to the RAG gig with the union. They will just get me involved with everything they can... not really complaining, love it to be honest, but well let's have at it. One more thing for me to do.
I don't spend enough time with my family. Haven't seen my Dad, or Grandmother or goddaughters in much too long. Though we are fast approaching the Season. I suppose I shall make up for lost time through it. Told we're doing a Christmas dinner amongst the flat, that'll be nice. Interesting at least, I'm sure.
You know at times it is very frustrating having to suffer the opinions of other people. I've gotten a lot better at not caring that I once once... or other people are not as up front with their opinions as they once were. I think perhaps the latter is more likely. If it were the former this paragraph would not be here and I would not be mentioning now how frustrating it is to know that a number of people think of me as scary and sex mad and find me intimidating. I suspect, with less certainty, that some may even find me to be, I suppose the word should be, uncaring. I won't bother to say much more because it should surely be obviously that I don't think of myself in those ways so you should understand the frustration.
I'm babbling a little bit aren't I? Do I sound pretentious when I write like this? I think I do. I suppose I am, and don't necessarily consider it to be a bad thing. It's not like I'm condescending, oh dear am I? Oh dear oh dear I really shouldn't worry so much about it. I shan't, moving on.
The Big Fat Gay nights are a challenge. Got April booked! Need to change the date though, our brothers at the 'other university' are away that week. To be honest not sure when we are or not, different departments do different weeks.
Still enjoying my presidency, more or less. Occasionally stressful. Often busy. And you can just never please the buggers! Not all of them. Not all of the time. But that's the rub ain't it.
I feel lonely. Sometimes. Sometimes often. Sometimes it's fine. But there are times and I feel lonely. Unsatisfied. Oh how easy it would if I know what I was missing. There's no spark in my life, I need a spark! Some great and burning. Is that me being foolish? Does a life need a great and burning passion? Or do I just need a little candle, a reason to want to get out of bed in the morning. Or something to do that amuses me in my evenings and leaves me satisfied in it's completion. I have the latter of course, I can write, or draw. But... lack the great passion to do it, the doggedness to get on with it and finish it. Things become a chore, so easily.
I hate sex. Really I do, the very idea is thoroughly annoying. Having to want it, having to think about it, talk about it, watch it, see it, hear it. I hate that it's just such an issue all the time. Like between people, in friendships, in relationships, and having to worry so much about it and about protection and lube and frequency and skill. You know?
Now see I think I confused myself there. I worry that I confuse being lonely with lacking a passion. I need someway to resolve them both for for right now I'm just going to throw them both out here and let you people deal with it all.
current mood: lonely
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(2 shards or shatter the mirror)
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| Wednesday, November 29th, 2006
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4:28 am - Just the one...
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| You Are 62% Evil | 
You are very evil. And you're too evil to care.
Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot. |
...I promise!
current mood:  tired
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(2 shards or shatter the mirror)
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| Tuesday, November 28th, 2006
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4:46 am - Mostly Boys
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Now maybe it's a lot to ask for but where are all the nice, intelligent, cultured, creative, adrenaline junkies? I mean I'd even settle for like... three outta five long as they were in the right order, say; nice intelligent adrenaline junkie, or nice creative and cultured, or nice creative adrenaline junkie... You get the idea right? Not a lot to ask really is it? Where are they all hiding?
And I want singing lessons. I miss them. Wanna join a different society... maybe I'll join drama. And roleplay. Ella was was supposed to get in touch... maybe she's angry that I gave Ivan that article... I wonder if Ella has facebook... I tend to use too many pauses when I'm writing. ... Oh well. Oh yeah, and I still wanna try fencing, maybe I'll send an email tomorrow.
current mood: sleepy
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(3 shards or shatter the mirror)
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| Saturday, September 9th, 2006
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7:31 pm
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so missing some people from here. skimmed over friends page, havnt seen some of you in so long. back at uni soon and move out this saturday 16th. im terrified. and if u read this, i miss you. no not you. you a little bit, but i meant him. yes you.
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(4 shards or shatter the mirror)
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littleredboots's journal